That Floating Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the TV Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television landscape of the recent year, a selection of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with dreadful scripts, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final season started, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the final season. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, fans certainly found joy picking apart every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start enumerating the problems. The hilariously wooden dialogue? The tedious glorification of affluence and consumption? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and forget about this show again. However, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the restraining orders, abuse allegations and fatherly failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d really have known it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless hedonism while struggling to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this series might induce should be saved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint homemaking as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was like reading a sales brochure. She clearly has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even camper, with a famous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her estate. What more could you want? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too complicated to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was trying way too hard to emulate something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that captured a generation? The expectation was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a broken heart. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity friends involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lurching from strangely breezy, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We admire the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? Nope! This international thriller about government agencies targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for explicit exploits as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and absolutely no interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.